whew Wednesday

So today it rained most of the day, but I didn't have any plans/commitments, so I fell back into my rut. Sleeping a good part of the day, not getting dressed til I absolutely had to. Finally, when it was time to get the girls from school, then I sorta felt normal...but still not myself. I am sure it is probably the weather,but ya know could be me too. I know shocker......no headache just shoulder pain. I have started to eat breakfast and not just have coffee in the morning, I don't feel like I am going crazy, I am sure that food in the morning is helping. And I know it is helping my metabolism as well. As for the anti depressants, well not so much, I seriously have no emotion, about anything at all. I don't like that, I feel that is not who I am for sure. I hope you all are having a great week, down hill to the weekend. Yipppppeeeee

brain fog.

So today I thought was going to be better. I knew it was going to rain, my body told me so....but I figured that i would try to make the best of what I could. I helped in Daphne's class for a bit, went to Target for a couple of things, found time to nap, fix dinner and clean up afterwards. This all seemed fine til after the softball meeting, I decided to get the girls a root beer float from the local KFC/A&W. I was fine but I only need to order 4 things, but I kept getting them confused, plus then when the girl re said what I had said, it didn't sound like it was the same thing. This became so overwhelming for me, upsetting for the drive through girl and the girls had no idea how to help me. I could tell by the sound of the girls voice she had no idea what was wrong with me, I just knew I had a really bad fog right at the moment and couldn't figure it out. I couldn't even cry at that point, but I know that is from the anti-depressants. After we made it through all of that, I tried to think about what maybe caused me to blank out. I still have no idea, but I think it is time for me to visit the MD again, for some medication review.

Monday, Monday.

I can't believe that I actually managed to have stayed awake all day....usually I find time to rest at some point during the day so I am a little bit more user friendly, if you will. This morning though with the promised time spent at the school, helping in my daughters class, followed by a lovely lunch with a good friend, then pick up the girls and then my wonderful man got home early. I felt bad physically, but also emotionally because I couldn't really fix a decent dinner for the family, just wanted to crawl in bed and pass out. So now I am tired and sore and B*&^%ing to all of you. This is such a great way for me to really get out all the junk that I am feeling inside....much better than taking some pills and it is documented. Hopefully, tomorrow, even with the expected rain, I really want to feel better.....oh mr. sandman please come to me.....soon.

Random thoughts

First off I need to apologize for not blogging....I really feel bad about that...now for a more recent update. Some thoughts I would like to share....

This pain, this pain, maybe the death of me.
Misery really loves company
This is not a cop out,
Just a look at reality.
Don't want it to get me down,
or force me into the ground.
It is time to get my fight on,
It is time for me to press on,
with so much to live for,
God please help me
I can't do this on my own.
sometimes I feel all alone,
I have to force myself to get out
as to not get stuck in a rut
to being all alone
in my car or in my own home.
God please help me.
He is there
whether I realize it or not
to remind me each day
in some sort of way,
He has a plan for me,
sometimes I get tired of building my testimony,
but really it is all for His glory.
God please help me.


Not profound just some feelings.....My pain is coming/going, although I would prefer mostly going, it depends on the day. We have new insurance now, so I am no longer with Kaiser, not really to worried about it, I am more on a maintainence plan now, as far as MD visits go....we will see how this goes.

A whole week gone

So it has been a whole week since I posted last. I feel bad about that, but over all I feel better as long as I don't meds all the time.....weird..... So I am taking only my antidepressants and my husband said that I am much more user friendly and easier to talk to now.......that is good. Nothing to exciting going on for now, but that will change soon I am sure.

Looooooooong weeeeeekend

So this Sunday evening finds me feeling much better as I went to see my lovely md. She increased my depression meds and told me that if they don't work this time, it is time to go see a shrink????????? Are you serious. ok so I am following her orders and so far so good. We will see in time how it goes. In the mean time, my husband and I have really reconnected, re communicated and talked alot. It makes things so much better when we are on the same page that is for sure. As for pain, well everyday starts at a 5 with 10 being the worst...somedays it becomes and 8 most days are 5 to 6. That is definately today 5. But tomorrow is a new day. Maybe pain will be a 4....there is always hope.

I am a B*&^%

So today my lovely husband decided to let me know in really nice way that I am acting like a B*&^%....that being said, I am on my way to the doctor to ensure that I am taking the appropriate amount of medicine. I am truly heart broken in so many ways I can't even tell you. I feel angry because everyone in his family thinks I am a bitch, and no one wants to talk to me or always thinks I am angry at them. I have no idea what to do or where to go. I wanna run away and not come back, that is not the answer. So to strive on is the only way to survive. I hate when this syndrome gets to me like this. Sometimes I want to jump off a cliff. I think sometimes life would be so much easier for everyone if I wasn't here. But I have to keep going, I can't stop. I have to look at the good stuff, so I don't break down any more. This SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!